Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Randomize
