Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
