He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
