I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
