i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
