and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
