he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
