Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
