I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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