I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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