Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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