Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
