how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Randomize