So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
