If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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