Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
