I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
