Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
