You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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