I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
dude. I can hear the air.
I forget how to act sober
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