Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I'm both gender and math confused
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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