Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
