You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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