Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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