Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
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