The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
