I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
