I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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