I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Randomize
