Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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