What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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