why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
