my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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