I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
