She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
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