I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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