I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize