i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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