In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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