Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Randomize
