Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
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