Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
