I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
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