drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize