im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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