After last night, I could never be a politician.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
