Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
