That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
