i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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