I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
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