finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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