Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
