Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
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