You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
