I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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