You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
