My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
