I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
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