You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
