I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
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