Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
