sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
