Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
