I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
