Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Panties = found
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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