Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
