i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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