my phone needs a breathalizer
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
