I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Randomize
