he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I could make wine with my vomit
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
