you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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