I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
