I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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