Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
