i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
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