i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
