Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
