i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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