shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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